Lost Cause....?

So I am really beginning to think that IT is never going to happen....however many hopes I keep up.....I am going to be single forever.....Michael will win that bet....and because of that, if ever I decide I want to have kids, we will never have them unless theyre an accident because I dont want to have kids if I am not married...it's too easy to walk away from your significant other if you are boyfriend and girlfriend your entire life. Common law marriage will take effect in 4 years...but really, that is not going to make me happy enough.....I want to have that legal lifetime commitment.....and its never going to come....I have to start convincing myself of this.....

Head in the Clouds

Simple Statement:

I day dream too much!

Killing me softly......

Being along for 2 and a half weeks sucks. What sucks worse is that when he comes home, we will have zero days to spend more than a few hours alone together.

He rides home Saturday meaning, he will arrive back in MD around 7 or 8 at night. Go to sleep by 10, then he works 24 hours at the firehouse. Monday, I wil leave for work before he comes home and getting home around 8PM, i will be tired by 10 and therefore go to sleep by then. He will sleep until 10ish the next day, and I have to leave a bit after 12. Ill get home around 630 (later if i have an appointment) then again, go to bed by 10 and he works 24 hours the next day. Thursday begins summer camp....so while he will come homje from work and sleep till 11ish and I have to leave for work just after 12, when I get off of work, he will be in Frederick with ALL of his cousins. I will join them for a few hours, go home sleep. I will work the next morning and yes, while I have taken a half day off, but again this will not be spending time with JUST Scott. Saturday, he works 24 hours. Sunday I have an audition and will be gone for about 5 hours but again he will be with his cousins. Monday I work 10.5 hours, Tuesday he works for 24. Wednesday I work at the office then teach.....Thursday idk if he works at AE but I work for a few hours and might be able to see him for a few hours before and after that. Friday I work 10.5 hours and oh he works for 24. Then comes the weekend which im pretty sure he will work at AE but this will be the most I get to see him since July 15th.

I cant tell him exactly how upset I am because he doesn't seem to understand....When i voice my opinion, he thinks Im trying to make him feel bad and then he gets upset with me. I haven't told him that Ive cried basically everyday because I am so lonely and because I miss him so much.

While he is with his dad and not alone the entire two and a half weeks hes been gone, ive been alone for the majority of my time.....lets face it, i dont have many friends down here. The friends I do have here, have lives and can't spend their entire free time with me.

I'm sad! I'm lonely! I miss him!

I dont understand how he wouldnt want to come home tomorrow. If it were me, i would be coming home Friday so I could have my entire Saturday with my significant other whom i havent seen OR HAD SEX WITH for the past 20 plus days.

I HATE THIS!

Lets Play a Game.....

What would my life be like if something majorly drastic changed......

WHAT IF: I was pregnant.

• 9 months from now, I have a kid.....that would put it around my birthday. Ooh what a gift! - Positive
• I can barely afford myself, I can not afford Maggie, I can not help Scott out at all financially....Now there's a kid in the mix? - Negative
• Adding to the financial burden, I would have to take off of work and NO I do not have Short Term Disability benefits. - Negative
• We would need room to have the baby. We already do! The den can be converted. - Positive
• I would be responsible for a life other than mine. Food, nourishment, keeping it safe, etc. - Neutral
• Scott and I would go downtown and get married and plan a ceremony later. Or plan a shotgun wedding - Positive
• However, he has said he is not ready for that step....so would he really be happy being married to me only because we were to have a kid? Would he resent me in the end? - Negative

So why are we playing this game? Because I didn't get my period last month and I have been an emotional wreck these past two weeks. Feeling nauseaus (sp?) off and on.....Granted I tend to freak out over little things....therefore there is a really good chance I am just extremely stressed and thats making my body do crazy things....But what if I AM pregnant?

Not directed towards you!

This is just a rant, not directed towards anyone in particular but just a rant in general.

This Saturday is my final recital with Artistic Dance Centre because the studio is closing after this year. This Saturday marks my final recital possibly for a LONG time. I invite soooooo many people to come to see, not just me but the entire thing because I think it would be amazing to have a sold out show to end with a bang. And Yes, I'd love to hear them cheering for me knowing they support me...of course. But NO ONE is going. My parents and Scott.

Don't get me wrong, I love having them in the audience and the fact that my parents come down from CT every year specifically to see this recital, it means a lot. But some of my friends down here, some of my LIFE down here, i'd love them to see exactly what I do and what I talk about and rant about and complain about all year.

Also, in the friend department, whenever I invite CT friends to MD or visa versa, these respective trips never come to fruition and leave me driving 7 hours by myself. I think that the only time my two worlds will EVER meet will be at my wedding and even then, lets face it....if I get married in MD, how many of my "friends" from CT will come down. I know a few that definitely will. One specifically whom i've been friends with for 10 years will defnitely come down because she is just that great of a friend....but any others....yeah right.....

Roles reversed, if I get married in CT....how many MD people will drive up? I could just see the whole "I'll bum a ride with you when you go up" I went from having no friends down here...to finally getting some...and hanging out with them so often.....to now, just having scott again. I miss CT so much....but will only go back if Scott gets a job up there....

Ok rant over.....didnt exactly make me feel better but I needed to vent this to someone, anyone other than Scott, again. Poor guy.

There must be something....

So, every now and again I will have a "light bulb" moment where all of a sudden something clicks and makes sense in my mind. Well I had a moment like that yesterday. I honestly do not know what sparked it or where the hell it came from.

I don't have a really religious view on life. I was brought up Catholic but I have stopped practicing simply because I didn't know if that was what I truly believe. Just because it was forced upon me, doesn't mean I truly believe it.

And today, I still don't know what exactly I believe in, in regards to that....but have come to the realization that there is something out there watching over me. I have the worst luck that anyone could ever imagine. But where it counts, I am kept safe, sound and happy. And things always work out in one way shape or form.

Take these examples as of late:

First, I was a bit nervous driving to and from CT by myself. Typically it takes Scott and I 6.5 to 7 hours to do this but to CT and to MD, I made it in 5.5 hours. No, I wasn't speeding. There was hardly any traffic both ways.

Second, I stress about finances more than anyone should....I know its not healthy but I can't help it. This pay period, I was going to be 22 hours short because of time I took off and Memorial Day and then my health insurance kicks in and the check was just going to be pathetic. And stretched way too thin because I have three student loans, one credit card, car insurance and a car payment all due before I get paid again. Not to mention my car is in dire need of an oil change and an interior wash due to the fact that Maggie shed like crazy when she travelled this past weekend..... But then yesterday, my boss comes to me and asks me if I want to use the minimal amount of benefit (PTO) hours I have built up....I told him Id take all I could get... and explained the time off, including Memorial Day and hes like well since you're full time, you get the six holidays paid. Labor Day, Christmas, New Years, Memorial Day, Thanksgiving and 4th of July. Smiles and a sigh of relief that I get 10 hours back!!!!

I think its my nana who is looking out for me....is that crazy?

Time to stop living in the moment....

Seems that from now on, I need to plan out my life a whole hell of a lot better than I have been. It has become a ritual of mine (one that I'd love to disown) to stress out 115% come the close of each month. Why is this? FINANCES!

Of course, living in the moment made me pierce my ears a few more times as well as stock up on a really cute summer wardrobe (Most of which can also double as what I will wear on the cruise). Oh yeah, also bought beer. Who would have thought these things would ever be considered a luxury. Not I. But since my working life has dwindled down a lot and I only have one job under my belt, I must eliminate such expenses.

I have a whopping $26 in my account now and I have to purchase recital tickets, and a DVD by Thursday....I am praying those checks do not get cashed until Friday, when I get paid. But there there is the issue of owing rent and phone to Scott. Oh, and I missed a student loan payment this month....

I also feel 100% that Scott contributes more to this relationship than I do...financially speaking. He says, he makes more so he has no problem taking on more of the responsibility of "our" bills. He currently pays, electric, cable, buys groceries and Maggie's stuff. I contribute to phone and rent. AND hes paying off the couch....Because I feel so bad he is doing all of this, I am going to vow RIGHT NOW to be proactive at keeping the apartment clean. (I will try) Tonight I plan on doing dishes, laundry, taking out trash, loading the recycling into my car and vacuuming. Tomorrow I will do laundry and dishes, take the recycling before I go to work and tackle the organization of the dining room table a bit. I also plan to, as some point, get down on my hands and knees and clean the bathroom and kitchen floors as well as the shower.

Does anyone know of any ways to make money? I am in dire need and DO NOT want to work retail!!!