Not directed towards you!

This is just a rant, not directed towards anyone in particular but just a rant in general.

This Saturday is my final recital with Artistic Dance Centre because the studio is closing after this year. This Saturday marks my final recital possibly for a LONG time. I invite soooooo many people to come to see, not just me but the entire thing because I think it would be amazing to have a sold out show to end with a bang. And Yes, I'd love to hear them cheering for me knowing they support me...of course. But NO ONE is going. My parents and Scott.

Don't get me wrong, I love having them in the audience and the fact that my parents come down from CT every year specifically to see this recital, it means a lot. But some of my friends down here, some of my LIFE down here, i'd love them to see exactly what I do and what I talk about and rant about and complain about all year.

Also, in the friend department, whenever I invite CT friends to MD or visa versa, these respective trips never come to fruition and leave me driving 7 hours by myself. I think that the only time my two worlds will EVER meet will be at my wedding and even then, lets face it....if I get married in MD, how many of my "friends" from CT will come down. I know a few that definitely will. One specifically whom i've been friends with for 10 years will defnitely come down because she is just that great of a friend....but any others....yeah right.....

Roles reversed, if I get married in CT....how many MD people will drive up? I could just see the whole "I'll bum a ride with you when you go up" I went from having no friends down here...to finally getting some...and hanging out with them so often.....to now, just having scott again. I miss CT so much....but will only go back if Scott gets a job up there....

Ok rant over.....didnt exactly make me feel better but I needed to vent this to someone, anyone other than Scott, again. Poor guy.

There must be something....

So, every now and again I will have a "light bulb" moment where all of a sudden something clicks and makes sense in my mind. Well I had a moment like that yesterday. I honestly do not know what sparked it or where the hell it came from.

I don't have a really religious view on life. I was brought up Catholic but I have stopped practicing simply because I didn't know if that was what I truly believe. Just because it was forced upon me, doesn't mean I truly believe it.

And today, I still don't know what exactly I believe in, in regards to that....but have come to the realization that there is something out there watching over me. I have the worst luck that anyone could ever imagine. But where it counts, I am kept safe, sound and happy. And things always work out in one way shape or form.

Take these examples as of late:

First, I was a bit nervous driving to and from CT by myself. Typically it takes Scott and I 6.5 to 7 hours to do this but to CT and to MD, I made it in 5.5 hours. No, I wasn't speeding. There was hardly any traffic both ways.

Second, I stress about finances more than anyone should....I know its not healthy but I can't help it. This pay period, I was going to be 22 hours short because of time I took off and Memorial Day and then my health insurance kicks in and the check was just going to be pathetic. And stretched way too thin because I have three student loans, one credit card, car insurance and a car payment all due before I get paid again. Not to mention my car is in dire need of an oil change and an interior wash due to the fact that Maggie shed like crazy when she travelled this past weekend..... But then yesterday, my boss comes to me and asks me if I want to use the minimal amount of benefit (PTO) hours I have built up....I told him Id take all I could get... and explained the time off, including Memorial Day and hes like well since you're full time, you get the six holidays paid. Labor Day, Christmas, New Years, Memorial Day, Thanksgiving and 4th of July. Smiles and a sigh of relief that I get 10 hours back!!!!

I think its my nana who is looking out for me....is that crazy?

Time to stop living in the moment....

Seems that from now on, I need to plan out my life a whole hell of a lot better than I have been. It has become a ritual of mine (one that I'd love to disown) to stress out 115% come the close of each month. Why is this? FINANCES!

Of course, living in the moment made me pierce my ears a few more times as well as stock up on a really cute summer wardrobe (Most of which can also double as what I will wear on the cruise). Oh yeah, also bought beer. Who would have thought these things would ever be considered a luxury. Not I. But since my working life has dwindled down a lot and I only have one job under my belt, I must eliminate such expenses.

I have a whopping $26 in my account now and I have to purchase recital tickets, and a DVD by Thursday....I am praying those checks do not get cashed until Friday, when I get paid. But there there is the issue of owing rent and phone to Scott. Oh, and I missed a student loan payment this month....

I also feel 100% that Scott contributes more to this relationship than I do...financially speaking. He says, he makes more so he has no problem taking on more of the responsibility of "our" bills. He currently pays, electric, cable, buys groceries and Maggie's stuff. I contribute to phone and rent. AND hes paying off the couch....Because I feel so bad he is doing all of this, I am going to vow RIGHT NOW to be proactive at keeping the apartment clean. (I will try) Tonight I plan on doing dishes, laundry, taking out trash, loading the recycling into my car and vacuuming. Tomorrow I will do laundry and dishes, take the recycling before I go to work and tackle the organization of the dining room table a bit. I also plan to, as some point, get down on my hands and knees and clean the bathroom and kitchen floors as well as the shower.

Does anyone know of any ways to make money? I am in dire need and DO NOT want to work retail!!!

Favorites Fridays

I have no idea how to put someones blog name into my own to give them props but I have decided to try doing this on a weekly basis....

This weeks Favorite Fridays Topic is Favorite Book; Category: Drama!

I have chosen one that I have not really read cover to cover. "Big Girl" by Danielle Steel. I read a bit over a strangers shoulder on the plane ride to CT just recently and therefore it compelled me to purchase a copy of my own. I read the first three pages and haven't picked it up since but the option is always there to read it!!!

Her tears are like Diamonds on the Floor

Today was alright...until I really got the hit of "crap I am really going to be alone for the next 6 days..." and then I quickly became really sad....and once Scott got home and we packed his truck with his stuff, Maggies stuff and Maggie...I lost it. And everytime I think about it, I lose it. Its great. The neighbors saw me on the way back up to the apartment...ugh. I had to explain to them that yes, I am just crying because I am going to be alone for the next 6 days not because we broke up....

I have cleaned the apartment as much as I am going to tonight. I have not typed up my notes from this week and I actually dont think that will ever happen. No matter how much I want it to. I will go through the paperwork tomorrow and pull out stuff I dont need.

Tonight, Scott leaving, really helped me realize that i need to have him in my life. Not that I didn't know that I wanted to be with him forever, but I need to! I love him so much!!

I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight....

I wish I could morph into someones body momentarily, make an important decision and then morph out and forget it ever happened.

Two decisions stick out in my mind right now....having to do with people close to me.....but....I can't make the decisions for them so......here I am.

I have to say, I am not excited about starting a new job.....maybe once i get into the thick of it....but this weekend is going to be laborious because i am not really looking forward to Monday being here. Not to mention it will come after a REALLY long day Sunday....waking up at 330AM to leave at 4 or 430 to be at competition for 730 and then have that all day....bringing paperwork with me to do.....thats a definite...wish i could bring a friend...or a bed!

I think its great......

I think its great that I just typed an entire HUGE ASS BLOG and go to post, receive an error message and then when I hit the back button like it tells me to ITS COMPLETELY GONE!

I'm done.